How to Break the Pattern of Dating Emotionally Unavailable People

Have you ever found yourself attracting the same type of person in your relationships, wondering why you can't seem to break the pattern? I certainly used to be there, for years I was stuck only ever being attracted to emotionally unavailable guys! And it made no sense to me why this kept happening because it was always based off the first initial attraction I had towards them. I was always magnetically drawn towards them over any other guy at a party, or on a dating app, etc. I would have no clue that they were emotionally unavailable until after a while of dating them. But anytime a guy was actually emotionally available, I wouldn’t feel any spark or any chemistry upon first meeting them or on the first few dates.

Psychology teaches that we attract partners that mirror our upbringing by our parents because it’s “familiar” to us, and so to break out of the pattern you need to date someone outside your type. But I wasn’t happy with that answer, it still made no sense why I would initially vibe with unavailable people before getting to known them! And I definitely wasn’t going to force myself to date someone I’m not attracted to. Then one fated day when researching this issue, I found out about the Law of Attraction!

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction (LOA) states that we attract things into our life based off our subconscious beliefs. And that the 3D world around us is a mirror of our subconscious programming. So if you keep attracting the same guy but with a new face, it’s because of your programming! In order to change what you attract, you must change your beliefs.

The LOA also teaches that everything in the 3D world around us holds a certain vibrational frequency (afterall, matter is made of vibrating atoms) and in order to attract certain things to us (like a healthy relationship) we have to become a match to its vibrational frequency, or vibe.

Which is interesting because when you’re dating someone new the first thing you look for is whether or not you vibe! It's not something you can put into words or explain, it's just a feeling. But it’s because you both vibrate on the same frequency, your brains are operating on the same wavelength. So even if on the first date you have 0 hints that they're emotionally unavailable, your subconscious picks up on this and you end up feeling the vibe with them.

What kind of subconscious programming attracts emotionally unavailable people?

If you notice yourself constantly thinking thoughts like “Men are trash”, “Guys don’t want to commit these days”, “I’ll be single forever”, “Every woman is a cheater” etc. you WILL see those things manifest in your reality, and find yourself in situations that trigger these beliefs. Be mindful of the stories you tell yourself! Anytime you notice a limiting belief like this, notice the thought and then flip it into an affirmation instead. Stop and tell yourself “There are many wonderful men out there” “There are plenty of guys in relationships, which means plenty of men want commitment” “I know I’ll get into a relationship in divine timing” “Plenty of women are faithful” and look for examples of how these statements are true! If you constantly focus on how women are cheaters, you’ll be surrounded by couples who confirm this bias. But if you look for examples of lifelong faithful relationships, you’ll find plenty of examples there too.

But these fleeting surface level beliefs are only a part of the reason you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people. A much deeper reason is because you’re emotionally unavailable to yourself.

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable to yourself? Some examples include: Not slowing down to tune in and listen to your emotions every day, not listening to and voicing your needs, people pleasing, accepting a situationship when you want a relationship, staying in a bad relationship instead of walking away, trying to “fix” feeling lonely by jumping from date to date, etc. Since you’re emotionally unavailable to yourself, the world serves as a mirror and reflects back to you emotionally unavailable people. When you become conscious of this fact you can use this as a tool for healing, rather than getting frustrated at the mirror! When you change yourself, the reflection in the mirror will change.

Attachment styles

Our attachment style plays a huge role in the type of partners we attract. If you’re unfamiliar with what attachment styles are I have a whole post dedicated to that here.

People who are anxiously attached are often attracted to emotionally unavailable people because it triggers our fear of abandonment. Anxiously attached people are often emotionally unavailable to themselves, resulting in that being mirrored in their partners. And people who are dismissive avoidant can also be attracted to emotionally unavailable people because it’s safe, as their subconscious knows it won’t lead into a relationship. Many times we keep attracting emotionally unavailable people, yet we don’t realize that we actually fear commitment ourselves! So working on healing your attachment style is paramount to attracting healthy relationships! I have a whole worksheet dedicated to how to heal your attachment style which you can find here, and also a two part video series on the topic which you can watch here.

How to heal and break the cycle

So how do we actually heal and reprogram our subconscious mind so we can attract a partner that we actually deserve? The first step is to become aware of your limiting beliefs. I’ve included some journaling prompts below to help you introspect. Feel free to dive in deeper by asking yourself more questions about your answers.

Journaling prompts:

1.       What patterns have you found yourself in romantically?

2.       What negative beliefs do you hold about relationships and about the gender(s) you’re attracted to?

3.       What negative beliefs do you hold about yourself or your self-worth? In what ways do you feel unlovable?

4.       In what ways are you being emotionally unavailable to yourself? Why?

5.       In what ways do you fear vulnerability or commitment? Why?

6.       When asked “why are you single?” what beliefs come up?

7.       What does your inner child want to tell you right now?

Now take all the limiting beliefs or negative thinking that you discovered while journaling and flip them into affirmations! If you found you have the belief that you’re unlovable because of some physical flaw, flip it by saying “Even though I ___, I still love myself and plenty of others will love me too”. If you have a limiting belief that no men want relationships, flip it by saying “There are plenty of men who want commitment, as I see men in relationships around me all the time!” Make a list of all your affirmations and then add it into your daily routine to read the affirmations. I like to do this just after my morning meditation.

Throughout the day practice being conscious of the thoughts you have. Anytime you notice a limiting belief come up, observe it, remind yourself that was your old way of thinking, and then flip it into an affirmation instead. Flipping your thoughts multiple times a day every day is a powerful habit as eventually the affirmations become your dominant way of thinking.

The important key is that the subconscious mind is reprogrammed through repetition and emotion. The more you tell yourself these affirmations, the more your subconscious mind will absorb it! And the more you can feel into the emotion of these affirmations being true, the more your subconscious mind will believe them.

Triggers

It’s important to note that on this journey you will become triggered. Situations will arise from your old pattern that will leave you wondering if it’s really possible to break this cycle at all! But don’t be alarmed, being triggered is a part of the healing process. Triggers are our friends, as much as it doesn’t feel like it. Triggers are like the universe poking our bruises, showing us where we still need to heal. They allow the old subconscious programming to come to the surface to be released. In order to call in your new reality, you have to purge the old reality.

When I first started implementing this work I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in my future partner, focusing especially on them being emotionally available. One month later through a crazy synchronicity, I found someone who had everything on the list! Except for being emotionally available. We dated for 5 weeks, and I had never felt more magnetically drawn towards and aligned with anyone in my life! So when he left for the same reason every guy prior had as well, I was devastated. I thought the universe was torturing me, bringing me the perfect guy and then ripping the rug out from under me. Taunting me with exactly what I wanted and then waving in my face that I couldn’t have him! But I eventually realized this situation was actually a blessing in disguise. There’s a reason the universe brought me someone who was perfect in every way yet emotionally unavailable, just as soon as I started putting in work to manifest someone available. In order to fix this wound, it needed to be triggered. And if I wanted to permanently fix this wound, it needed to be a really big trigger to dig up all the dirt living in my subconscious! Healing the wounds he brought to the surface is what enabled me to fix my energy and become in alignment with emotionally available partners. I’m not saying that this exact scenario will happen to you, but if you do end up manifesting the exact opposite of what you wanted, this is why!

More likely the universe will bring smaller scenarios that trigger you over time. When a situation comes up that triggers us, for example you’re dating someone but they ghost you for a few days, validate your emotions. “I feel hurt right now, my heart feels heavy, I feel anxiety and my stomach feels squirmy. I feel like I’ve been abandoned and betrayed” Let yourself feel the emotion, don’t run from it! Sit with it, hug yourself, cry and be there for yourself.

Then journal and find the meaning you’re giving the situation. For example, you may think “He’s not responding because I’m not good enough. He lost interest because I came on too strong.” etc. The important key is to notice these thoughts but don’t spiral into them. Observe them, but don’t believe them as truth! Once you feel that you’ve sat with the emotion long enough, tell yourself the affirmations that oppose the beliefs you journaled. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing in your 3D reality is just a purge of your old limiting beliefs, but you’re shifting to a reality where you’re cherished, loved, and adored by your very committed partner! This circumstance isn’t your end state, so focus on the reality where you have exactly what you want and don’t accept anything less. Say your affirmations until you genuinely feel the emotion of being loved and chosen. This process may take a few minutes, or a couple days. Follow your intuition on when you’re ready to shift from the low emotional state to a higher one.

Other tools to rewire the subconscious mind

Affirmations are fantastic at rewiring your beliefs, but there are a couple other methods that I love as well. The first are guided meditations/hypnosis. The meditation will talk you down into a hypnotic state, where your brain goes from its normal Alpha state, into a Theta brainwave state. This is where the subconscious is most malleable and easily rewritten. It’s like our brain’s cheat code, as if you’re going into the backend of your computer and rewriting the code. There are many free guided meditations available on YouTube that cover all sorts of healing topics.

Another great tool is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) aka Tapping. It’s a tool that combines traditional Chinese medicine with modern psychology. The technique involves tapping on certain acupressure points on the body while saying phrases that focus on a particular issue or emotion. I often use this when an emotion is stuck in my body that I want to release! But I also use it to affirm positive statements and rewire my subconscious. Tapping on the acupressure points helps move stagnant qi or energy in your body, which helps your rewire your subconscious more effectively. To learn more about EFT or find videos to tap along to, I highly recommend Brad Yate’s YouTube channel. When I first learned about this I thought it sounded ridiculous, but after giving it a shot I was blown away at how powerful it can be!

How long does it take to heal?

You didn’t adopt these limiting beliefs overnight, and so unfortunately you won’t heal and change this pattern overnight either. So few people tend to talk about how long it’ll actually take to break this cycle, because they don’t want to instill any limiting beliefs into someone! But I first went into this thinking I would just say some affirmations and within a week manifest a boyfriend, and was sorely disappointed when that wasn’t my reality. Not that I’m saying it’s impossible to break this cycle within a week! I have seem all kinds of timelines for different people, it depends on where you’re starting from and how much negative programming you must undo. It also depends on if the universe wants to you do most of your healing by being triggered in a growing relationship, or if you’d benefit from doing this work alone for a while. When I first started implementing this work is took me 2 years before I started being attracted to emotionally available people and then got into a relationship! And from what I’ve seen the average time to heal an insecure attachment style and become securely attached is about 2-4 years. I know years sounds really intimidating, but you will see progress along the way! And a couple years after a few decades of negative programming is pretty fast when you think about it. This really is a lifestyle change. A habit that you will carry with you for the rest of your life, constantly noticing anytime you’re triggered or have limiting beliefs, and choosing to believe positive affirmations instead!

It also took me 2 years to attract a relationship because I took long break from dating. If you’re someone like me who used to go on a new date every week, constantly needing a new guy to talk to, and then being disappointed when there’s either no chemistry, compatibility, or they’re not emotionally available, it’s a good idea to stop dating! Take a break and learn to be happy and fulfilled completely on your own. Don’t try to fill the void of loneliness through dating, but instead sit with the loneliness and give it love. Tell yourself affirmations like “I don’t need a relationship in order to be happy”. It will take time, but a day will come where you genuinely feel as happy, whole and complete on your own, as you do in a relationship!

I hope this guide is helpful for you to break the cycle you’ve been stuck in, whether it’s attracting emotionally unavailable partners, or any other pattern in your life! Remember, change begins within. Don’t become a victim to your reality, take your power back and shift your internal world so that the external world can reflect back the life that you deserve. ❤️

Watch the video version of this topic: